Buffalo Dreams or How My Husband Is Trying to Kill Me

I gave this as my icebreaker speech (#1) for Toastmasters in 2006.


You may know that I recently got married. What you might not know is that my husband may be, unintentionally, trying to kill me with the places he chooses for vacation. No matter where we go, there is always some deadly animal there for me to be afraid of.

I first became suspicious in August 2004. We decided to go on a California Adventure and our first stop was at Yosemite, where we met up with some of his friends. I was a little afraid of bears before we even started, but they had been several times and said they hadn’t seen one yet. As we drove to the park, I found out that on one of their more recent trips, they had in fact seen a bear. I started to get nervous again. That afternoon we went on what was probably a beautiful hike. Unfortunately, I spent the whole time examining every tree stump and limb that moved, thinking it was a bear. We checked into our campground, which was plastered with bear warning signs. I was very diligent in putting every little thing with a scent inside the bear locker. I actually had a pretty good evening, and only woke up a few times thinking, “Was that a bear?”

The next day, we went on another hike, which happened to be the same hike they had seen the bear on. This was no different than the previous day; the rest of the party was 100 feet ahead of me, and I was behind, huffing, puffing, and looking for bears.

From Yosemite, Scott and I headed to San Francisco. We decided to go to Muir Woods, a redwood forest north of San Francisco. I thought, “Surely there won’t be anything to worry about there. There are no bears in San Francisco.” But as soon as we walked through the gates, I saw a sign warning people of cougars. And as we got a little further in, we were warned of another danger, the rabid bat. That afternoon I had two animals to worry about.

After San Francisco, we headed south to LA. Except for a quick stop in Pinnacles National Monument, where I had to be on the lookout for rattlesnakes, the rest of the trip was uneventful.

Last summer Scott thought we should drive through the Dakotas, after I expressed interest in seeing Mount Rushmore. Our first National Park was Badlands National Park. As we drove through, we stopped to look at a prairie dog town. They were so cute, sticking up from their holes looking around. Then I read the signs. Apparently, prairie dogs have a flea which carries a disease similar to the bubonic plague. And as if that isn’t enough, black widow spiders like to live in the prairie dog homes. I couldn’t even trust them.

The closest encounter so far happened a few nights later. We went to Theodore Roosevelt National Park, South Unit. We set up our tent in the afternoon, picking a spot near the river. As we were setting up, we noticed some buffalo crossing the river. It was a very pretty, natural site. We went into town, and by the time we got back, it was very late, after dark, so we just got ready and went to bed. I’m not sure how long I had been asleep when I was awaken by a noise. I immediately knew what it was; I had heard it earlier that week when we drove through a herd of buffalo. It sounded very close, and I was sure that if I opened the window in the tent, I would see a big eye staring back at me. Naturally, I did what any good girlfriend/wife would do – I woke Scott up.

“Scott, do you hear that”

“Huh, oh cool. A buffalo.”

And he fell back asleep. It was a very long night. Every time I fell asleep, I would hear that noise. I was convinced that if I moved too much, the buffalo would get spooked and trample the tent, turning us into some sort of human nylon burrito. It only got worse as the night went on. Some time in the early morning, I had to go to the bathroom. There was no way I was leaving the tent in the dark, by myself, to walk to the bathroom, so I decided to tough it out. Every time I fell asleep, I dreamt about going to the bathroom, but as I got to the door, a buffalo would be lying across the threshold. I dreamt they were at the camp, in office buildings, with my mom, my friends. It was a very long night. When we finally got up in the morning, we could see buffalo in a campsite near by, but we’ll never know how close they really were that night.

While these experiences have been scary for me, thanks to my husband, I have gotten to see and experience a lot of things I might not otherwise experience. But if I ever don’t come back from vacation, you’ll know one of these creatures finally got me.